October 10, 2014

Satire: Why Crabs Need Sparkshooters

Donna Devereaux has been sitting pretty on my character selection screen for at least a few months.  I often wonder what things would be like, should I have not decided to play a Swashbuckler over my travels. Dead-eye the Bucc? Privateer? Witchdoctor, or even a Musketeer? A Musketeer fits Donna perfectly, and she does it pretty well, armed with her own Sparquebus and a harpoon-wielding crab...


This post was going to be terrible. Thanks to Donna, however, it has been brightened to the point of reinvention by none other than a crustacean. A giant crustacean.

A giant crustacean of mass destruction.

The hilarity about companions is that, for the ones that could potentially be as tall as we are, nobody comes close. Old Scratch could have potentially been a human, but is much shorter than we are for a human's standard, even with his hat. Dead Mike, on the other hand, is incredibly tall for a person. There can be speculations around this, but nonetheless, our pirates lie somewhere between these ratios and are still considered to be pretty short by some populations.

Regardless of conditions like age and living condition, our pirates provide for we, the players, a way to set a bar for sizing. The companions we fight alongside in our battles are a wonderful example of how ineffective that scale can be. Even a Rat Squirt, the smallest variation of Bilge Rat, is exponentially larger than a normal rat. Sarah Steele, a mouse, is at least twice, if not three times as tall, as a Rat Squirt on its toes! Then other companions, like Mustang Sally, are only slightly taller than Sarah, size completely negligent of their more accurate sizes.

While this is sometimes complained about, the immediate counter is that the companions wouldn't be effective at all at their normal size ratios for standing on two legs. Could Pirate101 have made the companions whose animal counterparts are smaller a little shorter than those who were facing opposite issues? Sure. But then again, who doesn't want a crab with a harpoon?

I then had a thought. Hey, why not even more crabs with harpoons? They don't even have to be big, and that alone would take care of our unused amenities in-game.

Mateys and Spirallites, we are surrounded by dangerous creatures big and small, and we haven't thought to employ as many as possible? Shame!

I started my investigation by trying to introduce the crabs I'm more familiar with to the weapons carried by their gigantic versions.

I'm not sure it worked, but I'll have to do more tests to really find out. Meanwhile, I found a few animals around the Spiral that hadn't even come in contact with their superiors!

Unfortunately, I couldn't get it to come along with me to Illios. I'll figure it out.

I continued looking around the island for more evidence when I was traveling to Devilfish Hollow, as told of here. I battled Atlach-Zath a few times with my friends, and a few times more the next time I logged in. Players kept talking of a pet that dropped from the spider, and I inquired further. The players showed me the common Coral Widow. However, its presence wasn't as disturbing to me as its association: Big spider has little spider. 

First of all, that's absolutely terrifying. Second, it means that our enemies are potentially getting smart enough to take advantage of the little creatures that are very much like them to use for their own evildoings already. The plan of action is clear: We need to start employing all the animals around us, whether large, small, terrifying, or plain adorable (Pandas can be dangerous, right?).

Come with me; start this revolution.

And hey, maybe one of these blighters has friends. We've just got to find out.

Sorry if this is a really bad post...I tried to write in
a new style and that didn't turn out too well. 
I feel that it's important to publish my attempts
anyways because I 1) worked very hard 
and 2) want something to look back on if I
can actually pull this off.
Thanks for getting through it with me. 


  1. Fair Ashley HolystoneOctober 11, 2014

    Aaahahahaha! This was really fun to read before going to bed, thank you!
    I've recently been looking towards my companions, too. El Toro for starters: I was drawing him and I wanted to capture every detail I can of that bull, when his size came to my mind. I checked on how tall he might be next to Ashley and, guess what, he was nearly the same size as she! Well, the big hat helped a bit, but that's not the point. I was so surprised how *ahem* short is El Toro.
    Then I compared him to Subodai and Hawkules and...the results were so amusing I feel a little bit guilty for bringing up our brave bull's flaw, but at least me and my friends had something to talk about for the whole day :P

  2. LOL I loved it. Great ideas and running with it. Hey, everyone has heard of the terrifying evil bunny of Monty Python fame? Right? Loved Ashley's comments too. No wonder Old Toro is so egotistical with such a flaw to distract us from. Probably why he swings so much from the ceilings :D I hear there is a particularly scary bunny in Aquila that is glitched and terrifying looking. He just might be the ticket for your new crew member. :D
    Loved this. Keep up the great work.


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